“You are clean… right?”            
          I’m repeatedly befuddled by women pestering with this manner of query AFTER we’ve already had unprotected sex.  If they’re really concerned, why wouldn’t they interrogate me prior to the act?  Even then, why gamble their venereal purity on a smooth talking scum bag who insists on rounds of tequila shots?  If someone was knowingly carrying a respectable assortment of STDs, and fucked you raw regardless, could you possibly expect an honest post fornication inquisition?             
              I’m no such dirty knave, but I certainly act the pre coitus part.  Consider this example of a relatively large girl I picked up outside a jumbo slice at 2am:

• In my bedroom… 
• Fat foolish female: “Do you have a condom?
• Angelo De La Vega: “No.”
• Fat foolish female: “I have one… let me get my purse.”
• Angelo De La Vega: <Grunt>
• We still have our shirts on, but lack any clothing below the waist.  She hands me a condom.  I tear open the shiny wrapper and remove  the gooey latex.  I look at it, I look at her, I look back at it, and I look back at her.  At this point, while maintaining eye contact, I drop the wrapper on the floor and slowly lay the condom on the window sill above my bed.  She watches me ignominiously .  I proceed to bang her raw.
• Morning arrives.
• Fat foolish female: “You don’t have any diseases, do you?” 
• Angelo De La Vega: <Sigh>

            If this jiggly jumbo slice whore really cared, why wouldn’t she halt all sexual activity after my egregious display of irresponsibility?                                
            Statistically, it’s almost an impossibility for me NOT to have HPV… but it’s like I always say, “If you don’t have HPV, then you aren’t having enough sex.”  But it causes cancer!!  Bullshit, everything causes cancer.  Diet coke?  Cancer.  Tuna fish?  Cancer.  Cell phones?  Brain Cancer.  I’m convinced that I’ve managed to avoid more precarious STDs over the last 12 years through a slightly masochistic ritual I started in high school: The Listerine Deluge.                        
           My mother was an avid proponent of Listerine throughout my childhood; “It kills millions of germs on contact!” she used to read from the bottle.  Don’t worry mama, I learned that lesson well!  I keep a 1.5L arctic mint bottle in my apartment for scandalous females, and give my member a thorough dousing immediately after sex.  Men, in more ways than one, possess the more extraverted genitalia of the genders; women couldn’t possibly attempt the Listerine Deluge without a funnel and a high pain tolerance.                              
           Amazingly, they won’t teach this tried and true trick during elementary sex education.   I’ve written a nursery rhyme below to help keep kids safe.  Like all nursery rhymes, it’s meant to be read out loud - in this case, with a cadence very similar to hickory dickory dock. 

If you have trouble viewing the image below, see it here on flickr.