1. In the end of the seventh year of the reign of Bush, the Lord called upon the mischievous prophet Gideon Slu; for he was a humble Doctor in possession of few ill qualities save for several pairs of very old shoes that badly need to be replaced.
2. And God spake unto Gideon Slu, “You shall bring Angelo De La Vega to a place stricken by the great flood Katrina and there he shall bare witness to a mirror of his wickedness and hence he shall draw from the well of knowledge.”
3. Gideon did as the Lord commanded and beseeched his friend Angelo De La Vega to undertake a journey to this damaged land and Angelo De La Vega did listen carefully for he knew Gideon to be a man in possession of many impish ways like the time he tried to blameth Angelo for the vomit in their roommate’s bed; yet he also knew Gideon to be wise and true to the word of the Lord.
4. And so the Gideon Slu and Angelo De La Vega set forth for New Orleans and with them they brought Ameet Prince of the Eunuchs and an assortment of blazers and striped shirts yet conveniently they forgotith to pack deodorant and tooth paste.
5. In New Orleans on the first night they gathered themselves together and consumed all manner of hurricane and beer and tequila until they looked upon the world in a conduct such that even a cancerous 3 legged mule appeared as a prized and powerful ox.
6. And Angelo De La Vega, his veins now filled with the devil’s blood and his loins now throbbing with sinful lust, did look upon a filthy stage dancer and throw several 10 dollar bills at her and this woman with the attire of a total skank said unto him, “You want this don’t you? Let’s go.”
7. And with the charlatan wench Angelo traveled to a 17 year old pimp and conducted a negotiation; Angelo’s mind was devoid of logic and reason and his liver was swollen with many powerful hurricanes.
8. Angelo De La Vega traveled with the whore to his hotel which was covered with the fine linens of Louisiana and smelling of a ventilation system in need of many hours of maintenance.
9. And in the room the filthy bitch demanded to count his moneys and so innocent Angelo did as commanded; and she demanded him to go clean his penis and once again ignorant Angelo did as commanded; and upon exiting the bathroom Angelo De La Vega was now alone without his moneys and without the cunning bitch, for she had cleverly tricked him and stolen his moneys.
10. And upon hearing of this deceitful harlot Gideon Slu spake unto his companions, “New Orleans… where the bitches will beat your ass”; and Angelo did ponderith these words deeply.
11. And so the second night came to pass and it didith begin very much like the firstith; the prophet Gideon Slu and Ameet Prince of the Eunuchs and Angelo De La Vega did order upon themselves many strong shots - and they were good; and they did view many saggy bare breasts - and they were also good; and they did dance the cupid shuffle and walk it by themselves - and it was very good.
12. Once again Angelo did encounter and devour an assortment of sad disgusting females including a heroine addicted stripper and several dirty shot girls and two racist 18 year olds.
13. Until finally God did deliver upon Angelo a blonde in possession of a voluptuous body and a heavenly face; and Angelo did look upon the blonde and say, “Verily, verily, ye art the first speckle of respectable vagina I have seen in this land and ye shall drink much grey goose on the rocks with me, and when the fruit of our love is ripe we shall take our fill, and ye shall never forget the name Angelo De La Vega.”
14. And the blonde did begin to consent in this matter and Angelo was pleased with his triumph; until he learned that the blonde was in possession of two offspring, and that she was without formal education, and that her ex-husband was apparentlyth mentally and physically abusiveth.
15. So did Angelo throw his grey goose upon learning that this female was another piece of trash and he did confront Gideon Slu with anger and shout, “Why have ye brought me to this forsaken place? And why has God charged ye to torture me so?”
16. And Ameet Prince of the Eunuchs was also overcome with grief and sorrow for he was the only Eunuch in a Eunuchless land and he did exclaim aloud, “I’m too rich for this place!!!”
17. And Gideon did softly rest his hurricane on the table of the Lord and whisper wisely, “New Orleans… because haven’t you already spent too much time at Dewey Beach?”; and Angelo did ponderith these words deeply.
18. And so the third day came to pass and each traveler did suffer from extensive liver damage and insomnia; Ameet did also suffer from a shattered ego for he was accustomed to great royalty in DC as Prince of the Eunuchs; and Gideon did also suffer from a bleeding heart for the memory of Zelda did penetrate him like a spear; and Angelo did suffer from a rotting soul for his stripper tabs and bar tabs and gambling tabs were causing him great financial anguish.
19. But Angelo and his companions did not despair; for this trip was commanded by the Lord and they purposed not to defile themselves by being tired losers; and so they set forth once again on the third night like three poor dead souls trapped in the world of the living.
20. And they came upon a drunken and dangerous bum who did threaten them with an onslaught of pain and insult until finally he spake, “To tell you the truth… you can suck my dick.”
21. And they did ponderith the words of this disgusting hobo and gain strength for they did realizethed that he was none other than the word of God: “Resolve to get your dick sucked my children, for that is the only truth!”
22. And so it was that Angelo did spend 3 nights and 3 days in the land of Katrina consuming a plethora of cocktails and sleeping only 8 hours and meeting many sad cunts.
23. And so he did fly back to DC fatigued with no moneys and suffering from a variety of viral afflictions; and as he climbed the metro escalator in Columbia Heights he was shocked to gaze upon a giant rainbow in the sky more beautiful than any his eyes had yet witnessed.
24. And he did drop his luggage on 14^th street and stare at the rainbow as if he was looking into the face of God and in that moment he understand why our Lord had requested him to take such an arduous journey to that damaged land.
25. The Lord was not sending Angelo to this vile place to dwell upon the mistakes of his history, but rather to encourage him to continue along the knife’s edge of sin; for only Angelo De La Vega was capable of eating the devil’s fruit without succumbing to darkness; only Angelo De La Vega could straddle heaven and hell and emerge unscathed; and only Angelo De La Vega could write about such things to enlighten the children of the world and allow them to glimpse the evil without giving up their souls.
26. Amen.

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