I’ve sampled from a broad and diverse set of women through the years.  My travels, major at Maryland, and taste in DC establishments have offered a multicultural buffet of sluts – Thai, Indian, Persian, Canadian, Chilean, Greek, Guatemalan, etc.  Likewise, my easy-going demeanor, conversation skills, and beer goggles have opened the doors to many classifications of bitches – red heads, hippies, fatties, hood rats, orphans, etc.  With this breadth of experience inevitably comes the realization of patterns, stereotypes, and behaviors for the various female flavors.  For example, let us consider the species Blondus North Americanus.

It probably seems unnecessary to devote attention to North American Blondes (NAB) considering their formidable US presence; indeed, we’ve all known dozens and most of us have banged a few.  Nevertheless, one can’t truly appreciate their idiosyncrasies without first successfully navigating the slut spectrum as I have – only then will you realize the NAB’s uniqueness.  You see, all women are capable of psychotic behavior when their hearts and vaginas are involved, but no breed of female is as consistently fucking crazy as American blonde bitches.

Generally speaking I have no reservations about cuming inside the random hoes I meet, yet I carefully analyze the situation if a blonde is involved.  I’m so convinced of their mental instability that I’ve abandoned perfectly hairless vagina for fear of some unpredictable retaliation.  When courting a blonde I carefully note the nearest exits and flee with the first ping on my CRADAR (CRAzy raDAR).  I could fill page after page with “fucking crazy bitch” blonde stories, but I offer a simple thought experiment instead.  Recall, if you will, every psycho female story you or your friends have ever experienced:  Slashed tires; attempted suicides; disturbing voicemails; stalking and spying; Machiavellian revenge plots; cutters; 30 text messages and 30 phone calls in 30 minutes; think back and think hard.  Now, how many of those stories involved blonde women?  Exactly.

Granted, a little blonde’s hole can really hit the spot on occasion.  Repercussions of a NAB bang, however, are inevitable unless one performs precise surgical measures when severing her emotional attachment - this is often more trouble than the vagina is worth.  At a minimum every blonde should come equipped with a tattooed caution label on their forehead and a flag pole surgically implanted in their backs.   The pole should extend roughly 3 feet over their head and end with a black flag; this would offer warning to less enlightened men and allow one to easily scan a crowded bar for the dangerous regions.  Ideally, all blondes should be imprisoned in special maximum security brothels and outfitted with an explosive collar that detonates if they escape.

Notice that I specifically mentioned the North American variety, the rest of the world’s blonde women do not possess equally demented minds.  Our society created these defected monsters and in some ways they are the helpless victims.  The media’s idolization of Marilyn Monroe, Madonna, Britney Spears, Pamela Anderson, etc. has percolated through our culture.  In turn we, from an early age, worship the blondes in our schools, churches, and neighborhoods turning them into local celebrities.  Their blonde brains are slowly warped and twisted after years of unnatural attention, they begin to believe the hype, and the universe starts to revolve around their bright and blazing hairdos.  Women who dye their hair blonde are bound to a similar fate for identical reasons: the excessive attention creates fabricated layers around their mind until they are disjoint from reality and exist in a fairy tale land of blondeness.
Let us consider some of the clichés:

• “Blondes have more fun.” Of course they do.  Imagine how decades of perpetual ego inflation changes your perception of day-to-day activities.
• The dumb blonde jokes. Of course they are stupid.  Who needs intelligence when you can coast through life on the attention derived from your hair color?

I suspect that subconsciously NABs realize the artificial foundations of their self worth.  They know their identities are hallow and meaningless; deep within the false front of confidence lives a tragic insecurity regarding their existence.  This misunderstood self hate is exactly why blonde bitches go ape shit.  When you hurt them, lie to them, abuse them, and abandon them, the hidden contempt momentarily bubbles to the surface of their imaginary worlds.  They are reminded of their worthlessness and in turn they go completely nutso.

Blondeness is a recessive gene and we can only hope that our Country’s melting pot will boil it from existence.  This would prove a superb step in our species emotional evolution.  I will neither marry a blonde woman nor allow one to bear my children.  Doing either would chain me to a disturbing roller coaster of terror and curse my seed and their offspring to a life of sorrow and regret.

I love crayons like I love bondes, make one mistake and the whole thing’s F’d…