I live in Washington DC and I am the quintessential young professional.  I work in front of a computer the majority of my day, I eat inexpensive daily lunches at local restaurants, and I attend the occasional meeting.  My blackberry constantly beeps and blinks with new business related email; sporadic weekend emergencies often require my immediate expert attention.
            I spend a sizable portion of my free time with friends and I frequent the usual array of DC happy hours, bars, lounges, and clubs.  Once a week I try to enjoy quality time with my family, sometimes I even play video games with my little brother.  I think movies are great fun and I religiously follow several television shows.
            For years I lived my life moment-by-moment in an attempt to appreciate all the subtitles this beautiful universe has to offer.  “Live in the now”, I said.  “Don’t let the world pass you by”, I used to tell them.  And I was partially right.
            Now I realize that enjoying the path is only the first half of a balanced life strategy - mutilating it is the second.  I don’t just stop to smell the roses anymore… I cut off their heads and leave a thorny mess of bushes.  When life hands me lemons I squeeze half of them in the eyes of my enemies and with the rest I mix cyanide laced lemonade to sell on the corner for 15 cents a cup.  What were we as individuals if we leave no noticeable imprint upon civilization?  Our lives blink in and out of existence and I mean to inflict maximum damage with my time.   
            I’ve accepted that I am destined to grow old alone simply because there is no one I love more than ME.  I enjoy using bitches, but only until they interfere with the relationship with myself.  I am my own wife and I would hate for me to learn of my lecherous ways.  Soon I will seek suitable females to impregnate so that I can look upon my children and see half of myself from the standpoint of someone else.  With my fleet of half-selves we will inflict significant punishment on humanity such that our grave stone will read “His-selves really fucked the path… what an asshole(s)”.